Happy Birthday, You Spoiled Brat !!

As a mother of 3 we get LOTS of Birthday Party Invitations.  The kids have this thing about wanting friends so I suck it up, shove $10 bucks in a card & take them.  The invite we recieved today is a HUGE deal.  I mean, I guess.

I usually attempt to keep douchebags from having my phone # - so I actually got this invite via a forward text from my Sista (she must really hate me - she could have just forgotten to tell me).

"You are invited to *Spoiled Brats (no name needed - Kingsport  is a small town) Birthday Party on Saturday 11-5 (who the hell has 6 hour long Birthday parties?!).  Swimming, Pony Rides, Inflatables, A Magician & Food, ect"

The conversation that Sista & I had following that dreaded text went like this:

Kristin: Ponys & a Magician - I wanna know where Justin Bieber is gonna be.  He should be there.

Me: Right?! Are we going to go to this shit? So our kids will forever remind us we are lame as fuck.

Kristin: We are lame & poor.

Me: Aint that about a bitch.

Kristin:WTF do you get a 6 year old that has frickin' ponies anyway? I'm getting a dang card if we go.

Me: You get them something TERRIBLE!  Something that will fuck up their house. Pets - a motherfucking Bunny! And some Moon Sand. A Giant thing of Paint. Sharpies. Glitter, Lots of Glitter!!

Kristin: LMAO

So, now what ? Do we go? Do we blow it off?

Who's down for shopping ?! I need to go buy some glitter & a Bunny !

Someone get me The Beib's Phone Number STAT !!!!

The "Incident" ... Kristin: 0 Mr. / Creepy: 1

We all know them, that one guy that no matter how nice & genuine he may in fact be, he gives you the damn creeps!  Well, as luck would have it I had to be hospitalized over the weekend.  A certain Mr Creepy works there & he is someone my Sister & I avoid like the plague!  And believe it or not, my health way NOT #1 priority for my Dear Sister!  

The list of priority was as follows

1.  AVOID Mr. Creepy *Insert Shuddering HERE*

2.  Don't let Vicki DIE

Normally I would have a problem with this list.  But not the case this time.  She was RIGHT - and with good reason.  

I had to make a trip to the Ladies Room to piss in a cup (ha Ladies Room, followed directly by the word piss! I digress.) we headed for the bathroom & made it safely by hiding behind Chris, Kristin's wonderful Hubby.  On the way back to my wonderful accommodations there in the ER, he spotted us!  We acted like it never happened, then I got a dreaded text - It said & I quote ..... "I C U"  .. Followed by our in unison screams of pure terror "OMG!  Nooooooo!!  HELP - Chris, Do SOMETHING"  .. Our cries went unheard.  Then it happened, he came to visit.  We were friendly to him, he was very nice, concerned about me, he even got me some water ( I was shocked he didn't slip me a Roofie).  He stands there talking & leering at us for like an hour or so give or take a few minutes, and leaves.  All is well in our world, now we only have to try not to let me kick the bucket! Chris left & Kristin went to the bathroom, I was frightened to be alone, however, I shouldn't have been scared - SHE should have been - if I've told her once, I've told her a million times - SAFETY IN NUMBERS!!!  Anyway - she went to the bathroom right, she was doing bathroom business, as she was about to finish up said 'business' the door flies OPEN & who do you think is standing there ????  Ding Ding!  You guessed it! Mr Creepy!!!  He promptly closed the door, and didn't run away like a normal person, he stood outside & waited his turn.  When Kristin emerged (after she searched the ceiling for an alternate escape route), Mr Creepy said to her "At least it was someone you know." .. I don't know about you all, but Id rather some stranger walk in on me, rather than someone I have to SEE again!  ................  She comes to my room, she looks strange, she just starts talking, telling me the very story I am telling you & looking horrified!  Being  the amazing Sister I am, I first called bullshit on her story.  And once she convinced me it did indeed happen, I laughed my ass off, not WITH her mind you - AT HER!  ....  So - I guess the lesson of the day is : LOCK THE DAMN DOOR & Mr Creepy will not see you doing you're business !!!!  

I love you KiKi !

WeeOnes with Weapons !! *Starring Jackson & Cooper*

"Jackson has WHAAAAAAT??"

Right off I do not know what to do with the newly gained info of Jackson being in possession of a knife- I know I must proceed with extreme caution!  I automatically start a frisk search, I give him no notice this is about to go down, he could use the advance notice to plan a story or hide evidence.  I go straight for the pockets - and yes, there is indeed a pocket knife in there (score 1 for Momma) .. "Jackson, WHY do you have Nick's knife?" .. "Cooper said we should borrow them." .. "Borrow THEM?  Is there another knife, where is the damn knife, hand it over" .. Nick now decides its a good time to advise me: "Umm - I'm missing a black one too" .. Jackson is all "Cooper has IT" .. Great - the plot thickens!  I now have to call Baby Sista & advise her that her spawn is armed & potentially dangerous, this should be fun! .. I call .. Cooper answers the phone - great - straight to the source, gotta love cutting out the middle man!  Cooper: "Hellllllo Aunt Wikki" .. Aunt Wikii (ME) "Hey Baby - Did you 'borrow' (you little thief) one if Nick's pocket knives?" Cooper: "yeeeeah."  Wikki: "Do you still have it with you?"  Cooper: "yeeeeah." ......... Wikki: "Let me speak to your Mother" --- Dear Sista: "Sup Witchfest?"  .. Witchfest (also ME - whats with the names??): "Cooper has a KNIFE in his possession!!"  (For those of you who do not know Cooper, you have no idea how tragically this could end!) .. Dear Sista: "Vicki, I'll call you back ..... COOOOOOPER!!!!!!!!" .. Line goes dead .. I have no idea what is popping off, but I fear the worst ........

"I'm Vicki & I am NOT smarter than a 5 year old!" .................. Thanks Jax!

Jackson & I are driving to the Grandparents house, just chillin', talking, having a few minutes of one on one Momma / Jackson time - when out of left field the kid yanks the rug out from under me by basically letting me know I am a dumb ass (not in those exact words).  The conversation went like this:

Jackson: "Momma - can I open my Starburst?!"

Momma: "Jax, you havent had dinner, but since I want some too, go for it" - "I ONLY like the Yellow, Pink & Orange ones - nothing else, so just give me some of those."

Jackson: (long pause) "So - you don't want RED?"

Momma: "Yea - NO Red, you KNOW how I feel about Cherry flavoring."

Jackson: "Let me see if I understand you just told me you want, Yellow, Pink & Orange - I get that - But why did you need to tell me allllllll the colors you DO like - when you could have just said "I don't like Red" you told me 3 sentences more than you had to to get the flavors you like, since Red is the ONLY one you hate."

Momma: "Ummm .. (insert pause & dumbfounded look) .. Your RIGHT kiddo - I'm kinda an idiot."  "How do you know these things?  How did you get smarter than ME?"

Jackson: "Nick teaches me things!"

I'm not sure why this conversation effected my brain to the level it did, but I now will be permanently scared, thinking I am less intelligent than my 5yr old son!  He has yet to even go to school!  By the time he's in 4th grade I will feel downright retarded !!!

Dr. Jackson B. Sensabaugh

All is calm. The kid's are outside playing nicely with each other. Dad & I are discussing the local news over too sweet coffee, then all hell breaks loose!   Julianne can be heard screaming - as if she may die.  Jackson burst through the door announcing "I've got this - I just need a Band-Aid, for Julie".  Before Grandpa or I can react he has retrieved a Band-Aid & it back out the door in a flash.  No more than 2 minutes later Julie is in the kitchen, blood already seeping through her Band-Aid, freshly applied by 1 minute older Big Brother's First-Aid kit.  Dad & I come to a quick agreement, that this wound needs more than 5yr old Doctoring.  We remove the haphazardly applied treatment from her palm to find, loose skin, dirt & a rock along with blood & goo!  Gramp's  is better with this kinda thing than I - so I insist he take over care at this point.  Julie screams like a wild animal while Dad removes excess skin, cleans about half of the dirt out & re-bandages her!  We hope she won't have to have her hand amputated, but since Dr. Jackson did a botched job the 1st go round it's a toss up at this point!  <3

Just Stuff ..

Yesterday was a pretty good day, which is rare lately!  I had a job interview - hopefully the loooooved me!  Paid my seat belt ticket (Thanks Mom).  The twins were amazingly good all day yesterday!  Had dinner with some of my fav's - I cooked, not KiKi - so it was edible!  Dadda called last night, it was late - but the kid's were actually still awake.  Julie had happy tears streaming down her beautiful little face, Jackson told him all about starting T Ball.  It was amazing, to see my kiddo's fall asleep smiling from ear to ear!  *Sigh* Why does life have to be so hard?? .............................. Anyway - I had told the kid's last night on our way home how proud I was of them for being so good yesterday!  I had a moment of stupidity & promised them that IF I  get the job, when I get paid I will take them to "Build A Bear" & they can make whatever kind they want & pick out a rockin' outfit for their new buddy.  My MISTAKE - Why do I even bother try'n to be Super Momma?!  Today they are right back to their normal, everyday bullshit!!!  Fighting with each other.  Getting smart with me.  Julie kicking Jackson's plate of french fry's & ketchup out of his hand (Yes - I made fry's for breakfast - don't judge me!).  Jackson wailing that "Everyone HATE'S Me".  I need Xanax with my Coffee & it's only 9:38 am!  Happy Wednesday people!  Wish me Luck!

"MOM!! It's Hair"

Let's give you a little bit of background on what exactly is a "Hair".  Hair (AKA Chris) is my Bestie!  He's the Best (most of the time).  Hair likes spending time with his Family (ha - not so much).  He like cupcakes.  Hair is a the funniest person on the planet, he's excessively tall, and he has insane hair (thus the nickname). He's the worst babysitter ever.  Okay - there's your background!  

Driving down the road just like 10 minutes ago, there are *4* cop cars, blue lights & all.  Some poor kid is getting hooked & booked on the side of the road.  Julie is in the back seat & automatically screams "MOM!!!  That's HAIR", Momma starts laughing her ass off, "No Julz, just because that dude is really tall, has funny hair & looks like a stoner, that does NOT mean it's Hair - that's not Hair" ... To shut her up, I had to text my BFF to ensure he was indeed a free man, not currently being arrested on the side of the road!  No worries, he's not in jail - he's saving that for Easter Sunday!

Hair if your reading (you better be), I'd totally bail you out of jail!!